Our clinical experts implement a (trigger warning) "highly" personalized approach wein order to figure out what the hell is up with you. We throw that one-size-fits-all treatment plan out the window of this runaway train years ago. Here we take time to understand your specific quirks, ticks and whacky whatevers, and bate our breath through those occasional moments of accidental brilliance. Our comprehensive care model integrate therapies loosely based in evidence but usually with whatever the latest mental health trends have survived our spritely staff meeting dart board debates. We pride ourselves on our affectionately coined "Reality" program, where clients practice everyday skills like not crying in grocery stores, making small talk about apocalyptic theories, and whether or not crypto is right for you. We emphasize building competence in everyday situations, carefully tracking your progress from being a perpetually bemused crack whistle, to functionally bewildered, and finally to our ultimate goal: Basically Normal-ish. Our success rate is loosely based on the classic German iteration of the Hunger Games; basically who survives and who has the best hair.

While each little snowflake melts down at a different time, so to when it hits the ground. Or in your case, "rock bottom" :) most of God's most favorite little devils stay between 6-12 months, with at least a few weeks spent in solitary in what many have affectionately referred to as 'Mike's deprivation lock box'. and all those voices in your head can make great company! Our record holder, Drool'n Dan has been "just about to leave" since covid. We've even named a wing after him. Your specific program duration will depend on your ability to complete our escape room final exam and is scored using our (surely somewhere) evidence-based, proprietary "Still Weird''assessment scale. Our aftercare planning begins early, typically during admission when we sneakily get you to circle potential discharge dates while distracted by our 47-page consent form. For those resistant to leaving our luxury accommodations, we implement a delightfuly inappropriate clinical-contact program by applying a spirited level of pressure to those traumatic trigger points of yours... and if that doesnt work, we call in Dr. Phil who will come take you out the backdoor for a midnight nap, wearing nothing but a black bag and zip ties. (*Remember that consent form). We have some excellent reviews for that!

We recommend bringing comfortable clothing for 7-10 days, personal hygiene items, 1 or 2 ex girlfriends, an older out of service cell phone any expired medications you're willing to donate. Bring your insurance card, identification (your name scribbled on some paper will do), and a small amount of spending shekels. Personal comfort items like zebra cakes and a cuddle buddy; are welcome, but you actually want to have if/when you graduate, should be left at home. We provide linens, towels, and basic necessities. A detailed packing list will be provided during your intake process, and our staff can answer any specific questions about permitted and prohibited items. Achtung! Machen Sie sich Ihren Weg durch die erste Kammer, um Ihre infizierte Kleidung zu entfernen. Sie erhalten von Monarchen zugelassene Overalls. Ihre Haare werden rasiert, Sie werden in unserem luxuriösen Duschraum gereinigt, delousiert und mit unserem neuen Zug, dem "Monarch Zephyr", in Ihre neuen Unterkünfte geschickt - und denken Sie daran, die Arbeit wird Sie befreien!

With appropriate consent (and a brief psychological evaluation to determine if they're the reason you're here), family involvement is both welcomed and tolerated. We offer family education sessions where relatives learn that no, you can't "just cheer up," and a 101 on what not to say at thanksgiving this year role-playing workshops. Many find that family participation significantly enhances long-term success, or at least reduces the number of passive-aggressive holiday text messages. We balance family involvement with a bust up dem boundrays protocol, allowing each resident to define exactly how many unsolicited advice sessions they can endure. Our family resource coordinator, a former hostage negotiator, can help navigate these delicate conversations while providing a little chocolate reach-around on those family stress balls; really ensuring everyone is equally heard, loved and finished off.

MMH proudly works with most major insurance providers, including Anthem, Medicaid's new Medicants, Sefe's Delightfully Deleterious Scholarships, or whatever poker chips you might have laying around from your last trip to Casar's will do.. Our intake team conducts a financial séance before admission, communing with whatever mysterious spirits you still having clinging on and make sure they have a way to pay too. No one rides for free! After three business days and a few community coffee enemas, we'll present you with a coverage estimate accurate to +/- of whatever, who cares, its not like you'd understand it (or be paying) anyway. For those without insurance or with plans that consider mental health a luxury bone situation, we offer sliding scale options, but we just havent written them out yet. So lets just say its a surprise. In any case, we believe financial circumstances shouldn't prevent access to quality care (or quality drugs), which is why we provide an excellent scientology-based work program as an alternative to all other payment conventions. Who knows, maybe you'll even get to meet Tom Cruise :)

Our structured daily program delivers a perfect balance of talking about your fee-fees and actually doing something about them. Mornings usually start out at 4:30am where our continental caffeinate before we communicate breakfast, followed by individual therapy sessions where you'll learn your therapist's favorite psychological theory based on which graduate school was cheapest. Our medication consultations feature a grab bag of pill or placebo guessing game, while group sessions teach critical skills like emotional regulations for fuckers who just "can't even" and afternoons showcase our westword faward-winning experiential activities including "fArt Therapy, where you'll finally have a chance to prove that wildly inappropriate kindergarten teacher wrong; Cooking with Brad goes way beyond microwave burritos, and financial literacy with Martin: Warum zum Teufel kannst du dir das nicht leisten! Evenings wind down with community meetings where everyone pretends to care about bathroom cleanliness, and who the fudge keeps using a sharpie on the dry-erase board?! Followed by a mandatory relax or die boot camp. Weekends kick everything up several rated-MA notches with full-contact Jeopardy, Middle Eastern rainbow hunting, and everyone's favorite, the notorious no-high & KY slip'n slide down Seff's gravel driveway where we can all get our weird on, and really celebrate our worst character defects all at once!

Our 24/7 staffing model ensures immediate response to any escalating situation, with color-coded, full technicolor meltdown protocols. Staff are equipped with military-grade laser pointers for those especially feral clients and tactical fidget spinners for those real emergencies. For the most demanding events, we summon our Mental Health SWAT Team, who arrive in anxiety-reducing tactical PJ's, armed with tickle tasers and lavender bubble grenades. For residents needing a softer touch, our therapeutic overkill package includes hourly check-ins and emotional support cuddle puddles. Local facilities coordinate with us when higher levels of care are needed.